Starcrash

Starcrash 

1978

Caroline Munro, Marjoe Gortner, David Hasselhoff, Christopher Plummer

Oh my goodness, where to start?

First off, I love B movies. I love low budget films cobbled together by creative types with tiny budgets and nothing more than cardboard cut outs and blinking lights for special effects. Look at This Island Earth, It Came From Outer Space, The Beginning of the End. No big budgets here, but each of these films is packed with creativity and originality, concepts the makers of Starcrash were seemingly unfamiliar with. This is not a B movie, it's an F movie, and as much as I wanted to like it (Caroline Munro! What more does a movie need?) I found myself wanting to rip the director's arm off and beat him over the head with the bloody stump, shouting "Bad boy! No!"

Caroline Munro, trying her best to save this movie

Munro stars as Stella Star (no kidding); Marjoe Gortner as her psychic and seemingly immortal navigator, Akton; Christopher Plummer as the Emperor of the Universe; and David Hasselhoff (yeah, that David Hassellhof) as his son, Prince Simon. Munro is gorgeous but that's not nearly enough to save this mess. The real mystery is what the heck Christopher Plummer is doing here. Plummer seems embarrassed by the whole thing and it shows. Gortner, a former child evangelist turned bad actor, is so awful I couldn't look directly at him. Then there's the robot with the southern drawl. I won't get in that -- you'll just have to see it yourself.

Poor Christopher, we can see right through you

Gortner battling the vicious stop-action robots

Did you know?

The truly awful Marjoe Gortner and his robot pal

Stracrash was released in a hurry to cash in on the success of Star Wars. 

Christopher Plummer shot all of his scenes in one day. Like pulling a Band Aid off really fast, I guess.


The Star Wars rip off went so far as having Gortner swinging a light a pathetic toy light saber.

All the major actors dubbed their own voices back for the English version except for Munro. The producers didn't want to spend the money to have her fly in to do the work so Candy Clark did the work. Clark was married to Gortner at the time.

Gorgeous Caroline Munro is the daughter of the equally gorgeous Janet Munro (The Day the Earth Caught Fire, The Crawling Eye aka The Trollenberg Terror).

Marjoe Gortner, at four years old, was proclaimed "The world's youngest ordained minister."

The Hoff as Prince Simon

Starcrash is on the You Tube. You can see it here. Please don't buy it, watch it for free if you really feel you must. But be warned, this movie will change you, and not in a good way.

The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul

Douglas Adams

Enter the slightly off kilter world of Douglas Adams' London, where Norse gods run amok in the streets while Dirk Gently, a holistic detective who believes in the quantum interconnectedness of all things, tries to unravel the murder of a successful record producer, beheaded by a green demon from Valhalla.

Sound confusing? Welcome to the creative genius of Douglas Adams. Everyone knows Douglas for his brilliant Hitchhiker's trilogy (all four of them) but the Dirk Gently books are just as wildly imaginative. 

If you haven't had the pleasure of Mr. Gently's acquaintance go to your local book store right now and get them all. Go on! What are you waiting for?

Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency

Douglas Adams was a bit daft; I like that in an author.

It's been years since I first read Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency and I must say it's a pleasure to reacquaint myself with Mr. Gently. In honor of World Towel Day I had decided to re-read all six volumes of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy but then I saw this volume on my shelf and decided to start my Adams adventure with Holistic Detective Agency followed by The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul. Whether this is Great Literature is irrelevant -- it's a fun read and an insightful glimpse into the brilliantly creative mind of Douglas Adams.

If you only know Douglas from Hitchhiker's then you certainly owe it to yourself to read Dirk.

Out of five stars I'd give this book a twenty.

Blood From the Mummy's Tomb

Blood from the Mummy's Tomb
Hammer, 1971

Starring Andrew Keir and the voluptuous Valerie Leon. Based on the Bram Stoker novel, Jewel of the Seven Stars.


In my estimation this is one of Hammer's finest. It is both moody and atmospheric with a wonderfully manic performance by Leon.

A British expedition in Egypt uncovers the ancient tomb of the evil Queen Tera. When one of the archaeologists takes the ring from the queen's severed hand and gives it to his daughter for her birthday he unwittingly unleashes an ancient curse. Is the girl truly the reincarnation of Tera or is she simply a tool to be used by the unscrupulous Corbeck (played with relish by James Villiers)?


Production on Blood was plagued by the death of director Seth Holt of a heart attack five weeks into production. Holt actually died on set in the arms of cast member Aubrey Morris, who played Doctor Putnam. Michael Carreras finished directing the final week of filming, though his work is not credited. Peter Cushing was slated to play Professor Julian Fuchs but pulled out after only one day on the set when his wife was diagnosed with emphysema. Andrew Keir filled in admirably, though to be honest I would have preferred Cushing. Keir does a fine job, mind you, it's just I'm a huge Cushing fan.

Did you know...?

 

Andrew Keir played Dr. Bernard Quatermass in the absolutely wonderful Quatermass and the Pit (aka Five Billion Years to Earth).

Aubrey Morris (Doctor Putnam) appeared in the classics A Clockwork Orange (1971), The Wicker Man (1973), and the wonderful Lifeforce (1985). He was also the captain of the Golgafrincham Arkship B in the British TV series of The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy (1981).

Valerie Leon appeared in two James Bond adventures with bit parts in the awful James Bond fiasco Never Say Never Again as well as The Spy who Loved Me.

While she had no trouble appearing in skimpy outfits, Leon, like the gorgeous Caroline Munro, refused to do full nudity. A body double was used in the one very brief nude scene in Blood.

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Home by the Sea

Kyle slipped through the unlit house with practiced precision, taking his accustomed place alone in the family room, the eternal Pacific below his only company. A storm was coming, Kyle could feel it.
The wind raced in from the sea carrying cold steel rain and sleet. But even in a storm the ocean calmed him as no drug ever did, brought him a relief no therapy could offer. He let the sound of the surf wash over him, cleansing his soul, carrying away sins real and imagined, carrying his nightmare far out to
sea to sink into the eternal abyss, never to bother him again. It was a pleasant thought, more of a mantra, really, repeated night after night all these years.

Home by the Sea, from Walking the Edge by Curt Jeffreys

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Disconnected

Suddenly deflated, he drooped against the counter. Dead. His little brother was dead. It hadn't really struck him till now. He'd been too distracted with all the details, all the arrangements, to really let it soak in. But now, standing in this gloomy apartment staring into Kevin's fridge, everything snapped into sharp, painful focus. He was gone, really gone, not on vacation in some exotic locale, soon to return with a camera full of pictures and a head full of wild stories about the things he'd seen, the things he'd done. Life is full of surprises, Kevin used to say. You take what comes at you and make the best of it. Heck of a surprise this was.

Disconnected, from Walking the Edge by Curt Jeffreys. Available on Amazon, B & N, iTunes and more

Good News Everyone! 

My collection of short horror stories is available on Smashwords.
Walking the Edge is a collection of eleven short horror/dark fantasy stories. All for only a buck ninety nine. What a deal!

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